AMANDA HARRINAUTH, POET
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Should I Have Told You

8/10/2020

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It's out there. It's open. It's free.
Should I have told you?
But I was just being me.
Should I have told you?
Look at what it's done.
Will it destroy everything that we have become?
Should I have told you?
I can’t decide.
Should I have told you?
There are so many things that I wanted to hide.
Silly me for thinking I could tell one but not the other.
I know you’re fragile and delicate, and I've always known these things.
So should I have told you?
I think it was my big mistake.
Should I have told you about it at all?
I wanted to be honest with you because you mean the world to me.  
Should I have told you?
And now that I've told you, how do you feel?
You keep on a mask, so I can never tell.
Should I have told you?
I created a mess.
I tried my best to keep it at rest.
I'm left with just one question now.
Should I have told you?
I like someone else.
Picture
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Why Did You Choose Me?

4/19/2020

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Why did yoy diu choose me? I'm so confused.
Others laugh at me and make me feel sad.
I spend most of my time alone, never included in anything.
Why did you choose me? I don't understand.
I'm so odd or so I am told by my family.
One day, my heart opened up and let light in.
I picked up a pen and began to write about where I came from.
I cried many nights, as I reflected on the many rejections I had in my life because of my differences.
So, Autism, I finally know why you chose me...
You chose me to be a voice, so I could change other lives.
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67

8/19/2019

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Number dictate who I will be? The things I will accomplish?
67, is the number that autism assigned me. What does it mean? I believe it just a number. Can’t tell who I am. You can’t tell me how to love. You can’t stop me from making my plans or writing my name in the sand.
67, is just a number, so I am told. Let’s release the negative stereotypes about what it holds.
67, Can you hear me stop talking back! I may not pass every test, but I’ll give it my best shot.
67, make it known. You can try all you want to make me cry. But I refuse to let this number define my life.
67, I’ll rise above with those around me who showed love and compassion for who I’ve always been. Way before a number claimed who I was supposed to be.
67, you may have challenged me intellectually, but that has nothing to do with who I am and who I will be.
67 is another one of those poems that is really quite eye-opening. I talk about how 67 is just a number and I don’t really understand why we all have to be judged by a certain set of numbers. It has nothing to do with accomplishments or achievements or the type of person you’re going to be. I was inspired to write this poem right after being diagnosed with autism as a way to speak out and prove my point that there’s nothing wrong with me in spite of what the numbers say.”
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My Name is Not

8/19/2019

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My name is not slowpoke, so please don’t call me that.
My name is not bit, so please don’t call me that.
My name is not colored, so please don’t call me that.
My name is not crippled, so please don’t call me that.
My name is not midget, so please don’t call me that.
My name is not spaz, so please don’t call me that.
My name is not four eyes so please don’t call me that. 
My name is not retard, so please don’t call me that.
I have these labels but they do not define me.
This is certainly not what my mom named me.
I feel shame when you call me out of my name.
​My name is Amanda and I deserve to be called nothing less.
This poem was written several years after I defended my senior thesis in which I spoke about the effects of using the “R”word. It’s amazing how the use of that word can make you feel devalued. I hear that word being used on a regular basis and it makes me just cringe. I believe that people need to be kinder to each other and realize when words like that are being used not only do you hurt feelings, but in some cases you can take away a person’s soul.”
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Like David

4/27/2017

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Little Shepard boy.
He would mind the sheep.
His future was bleak.
Like David, I'm belittled. I’m told I'm not performing my best, “I'm disappointed in you.”
Like David, they would mock me. The giant needed physical weapons to fight his battle.
"You think you're so much bigger than me. You believe you have the power."
Just like David, I stand against a giant.
I gather my five stones for safekeeping.
The first stone I stand on the word of God.
My Lord will bring me through. I shout praises to His name,
“Oh Mighty Lord, see me through.” Infected with the David syndrome. “I can certainly win this."
Like David, I might be a tiny person. My strength may not be physical, but it comes from my God.
Try and intimidate me or break me down as Goliath hoped to.
God gave David inner strength to help him fight his battle.
I don't have to be big or powerful to fight my battle.
I need God to lead and direct my path, grab His word and hold true to it.

Defeated you are. You shall stand no more.
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I Am Proud To Be

11/26/2016

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I am proud to be unique.
I am  proud to be beautiful.
I am proud to be kind.
I am proud to be intelligent.
I am proud to be creative.
I am proud to be funny.
I am proud to be honest.  
I am proud to be clever.
I am proud to be hydrocephalic.
I am proud to be legally blind.
I am proud to be intellectually disabled.
I am proud to be autistic.
And oh yeah, I am proud to be…
Me.
This has to be one of my favorite poems. it’s in a simple format that really looks like a grocery list. Typically, when people say that they are proud to be, they mention they’re proud to be intelligent, clever and so forth. In this piece I call out the fact that I’m proud to be disabled. You don’t hear that very often, so I just want to make it known that God made me a certain way for a reason. Therefore, I’m proud to be. This is not to say that it isn’t difficult but you can’t have a testimony without going through test.”
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I May Not

10/16/2016

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I may not walk the same, talk the same, or behave the same.
I may have difficulty understanding you, but I'm not to blame.
I may not look the same, so I have no shame in admitting that.
I may not learn the same. It might be a delayed;
but what's wrong with that?
I may not see the same, but I maintain that right to reach my dreams.
I may have some physical limitations, but the desire that I require is ever present in my soul.
I will do what it takes to reach my goal.
Walking, talking, and behaving differently has never stopped me from being me.
​And it will certainly not stop me from reaching my dreams.
1 Comment

Dear Autism

9/7/2016

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Dear Autism,
How are you today? There are so many things that make you Great.

​Dear Autism,
There are so many things I want to say. I wish I can better control you and keep you at bay.

Dear Autism,
Why did you trigger me? He was just trying be my friend; instead, you made him frighten me.

Dear Autism,
It was just a hug. Instead of embracing it, you made me run.

Dear Autism,
Why did you put me through this? I wanted to be his friend and not lose it.
​
Dear Autism,
​One final thing, to protect me from him and to keep me safe, he decided to no longer be my friend.

Regretfully,
the girl that wishes we could’ve been friends
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